At Ground Zero

I’m at ground zero. After 28 years and 8 months on earth, I found myself staring at the computer screen with a dysfunctional internet connection (thanks to the poor service of Globe Broadband), bronchitis lining my lungs, severe back ache probably caused by the bronchitis, no real job or income, P88.50 in my wallet, zip on my ATM, nothing to credit to my name, yearning for something more.

Looking at most of the people my age, they have the fancy phones, travel to an exotic place once a year, drives a car, most are married with kids, has been in the same office or industry for 6-8 years, can Starbucks every other day, works 40 hours a week, goes to the movies every weekend – very very stable. I, on the other hand, did not choose to have a single career path. I chose to try out the next most thrilling or challenging opportunity, jumping from one exciting job/opportunity to another. This gave me the chance to meet great people from different age brackets and from all walks of life. I’ve had friends from 10 years old to 54 years old. I met with the tycoons’ grand children living lavish lives with bodyguards in tow to the poorest of the poor who walks for 2 hours just to get to school dragging their hearts off the ground because their houses will be demolished by the MMDA.

I am extremely happy, blessed, and humbled through the people I met as I rappelled through my different jobs. I am very well rounded because of the skills and character traits I picked up and developed along the way. But then, I could not afford anything most of the people who chose security can. I cannot Starbucks every other day moreover have an exotic vacation, my phone needs to have electrical tape to hold it together, and I commute with no husband and kids.

Did I miss out because I didn’t choose the same path as everybody else? Should I have not danced my way around employment, going for the next most exciting thing? If I chose the structure of the secure tried and tested path would I be as happy as I was in my crooked detour-rich path?

What do I really want to get out of life?  My initial instincts tell me that what I really want in life would be to have freedom and adventure.

I have always been claustrophobic in most areas of my life both literally and figuratively. I am afraid of small spaces, crowded elevators, standing-room-only buses, even smaller car models make me want to jump out and breathe some air. Maybe this is caused by my asthma. I always feel like there is a scarcity in the air I can breathe specially in enclosed and crowded places. On the other hand I love vastness. I feel very light when I am on top of bridges, buildings, or carnival rides. I love seeing the sky from end to end with the sun, the different cloud formations, and the different colors they bring.

I am not afraid of change, in fact I have grown to embrace it. At 28, I have lived in 3 different Barangays in Laguna, then Las Pinas, Paranaque, back to Laguna, Quezon City, Pasig, Cainta, and back again to Pasig. 10 houses total. I spend summers away from home in my cousins’ houses or in summer camps. I was saling kitkit in nursery, transferred to Manresa for my elementary school, moved to Bloomfield for first year high school, then ICA, then to UST in college. I’ve had at least 8-10 jobs that are totally not related. I have been a sales agent, English teacher, business woman, art teacher, photographer, marketing, HR officer, general manager, call center agent. I have lived on an average income, on meager income, on a huge income, and of no income at all. My life is screaming change all over it.

These are some of the reasons why my being is always aching for freedom and adventure. But at my age, I think that my love for unknown and the non-boring should have a bit of a structure. I need to have both while creating a stable source of income to strike the balance.

This sweet spot is what I’ll try to find. I’ll chronicle my journey along the way & I hope to meet fellow dreamers who will dare with me to live a life larger than the holes dug out for us by society.

I’m sure more and more questions will arise as I take on this journey to a life of fulfillment. I hope that as I inquire more, I will also be able to find more answers to these ever puzzling but sure are answerable questions on life.

Let’s wake up the child with wide eyes inside each of us!

You a dreamer?

Come join me!